Forgiveness…….

I am having a hard time to write something in my blog, mostly because of problems, and.. I don’t know which one will I publish here…

for once and for all.. I want to tackle lesson about feelings.. of being unique.. of acquiring awesome things around us (awesome seems out of place:)) .. about being special.. about being yourself.. and it takes a lot of things.. alot of courage and effort, and ofcourse, confidence in your life.. sometimes, we are wondering through the course of life our path is leading. And there became alot of problems including this: knowing who you are without interfering others. It is so much harder for anyone to know who they really are,why others are different. and this is because of, our desires. our aim to become someone we actually want to, and we tend to see others as special more than who we are. and this, I must say, is a wrong perception.

Our world is full of beauties, and God let His definition of beautiful simply is His creations. Wether we accept it, or not. We are a God’s definition of nature, of spectacular important wonderful creature. Why do we always seek more that what we have in life these days? Why do we have to dream about having a brown eyes instead of black? white skin instead of what color we have? beautiful face? handsome face? muscles far from our own body? slim, long legs, perfect nose? perfect apperance? Why?  Why do we feel jealous? Lonely? and sometimes we act weird and we act not because it should be, but because we don’t accept things. Why it is so hard to forgive and to forget things? Why, we humans, are so hard to understand, even me, myself, It is so hard for me to dictate what I must do…….. and that one is, I must also forgive myself for doing wrong in the past… and why do this happens???? because we are blind. blind of the things around us. It is still a question, because it is proven that even if we come to a realization, desires are more than important in this world we are surrounding.

There will always be One thing that made you a different person. Try to resolve it yourself. Try to think of it more often. You may not have 100 percent of all the things in your life now, but you can have more than 100 reasons to stay alive because of that one thing in you.  I am sad about what I feel for myself 😦 Id rather tell you why…… There are different aspects in different sides of our lives. So to insist it, let me discuss it to you one by one.

FAMILY- most sensitive, yet crucial part of our life. We are made for this. We grow, mature, develop first through this relationship. and I wll tell this by saying directly to you, YOU are different from them, yet you build fire and make spark in every action you make. As a mother, a Father, A son, A daughter, or a baby, and let all kinds of relatives you may have. You may not be as good as your older brother, talented as your younger sister, you are you. you are special, as I am always pointing out in this blog. because w edon’t have to differentiate ourselves to them. We are not in a competition with our family, we should and always be as one…. and even if you have been on your own, or if you haven’t got a chance to know your family, don’t be mad or seek revenge.. because you will always be loved…. there will be always HIM who will love you…… Every problems you may take, always remember, your family is always by your side 🙂

FRIENDS- What makes us happy through challenges in our lives? it is because of our friends, classmates, neighborhood, teachers, school friends, childhood friends,special friends, bestfriends and every person we know. I want to tell you a little secret. In some past of my life, I was always hurting someone in every year I had back when I was in highschool, no, in elementary… When I was in my 4th grade, I made my teacher cry because I am not listening to her. And I haven’t got a chance to tell her how sorry I was.. When I was in 6th grade of highschool, I also have hurt my adviser by composing a title. worst title, in the song we composed, and it pertains  to her without my intention, she got really mad and blew away what confidence I got. I also reported in her class with that so little writing in the blackboard… and it pretty drive her so mad about me having that visual, without being visualized, and I graduated at highschool without saying sorry or felt to do so… because back then, I didn’t mean anything. and so, I regret it.., Another was when I was in my First year highschool, my math professor has needed to make my grade higher than expected because of my mom… haha funny because she doesn’t want me to fail, and it turned out, that my classmates knew it and talked to him bout grades…. so it was my fault and my professor cried in front of the top 10 (without me).. they were really pissed of about me.. I mean maybe all of my classmates, but I don’t know. I tried to wear a mask, everytime I saw them, and heared stuffs like that, you know, I cried alot during my night time.. it was almost a month… and he really got mad at me for messing a whole point… and, even that case, I regret it till now.. and this 2nd year, well, i got a fight with one of my bestfriend and that year seems so long, that all the pain was still alive.. And this 3rd year highschool happen to across so slow, I happened to be mad at my adviser, because of something, and I got into a real trouble from which side will I take. because 2 of my groups were fighting and I were.. like the peacekeeper.. no… I mean I made things worse… you know.. Talking about worst, my 4thyear life as a highschool.. well I blew every friends and teacher I had, see, Im a troublemaker here, and while Im writing this, it just feel like it happened yesterday.. I want to cry.. but not this way.. Well, We will be having a play in our school and our adviser asked us if we wanted to go with her, so there are so many hush, and I am busy talking to my friends nearby, and I mimic every voices I heard and back on talking to my seatmates… and turned out that she was angry because someone said we didn’t want. feels bad. At that time, I don’t know if its me, or who it was… it was just clueless.. so months passed and “plastic” words come in and out.. because of that.. and they said that no one claimed who said it and did’nt say sorry to it. So time passed by, until you know, awkward moments and I had that feeling that it was me who made it wrong, it was me who said it, but it rewinds in my mind like a blurr, until one of my teacher told us, it was christmas party, that we shouldn’t be plastic.. we must act natural.. and I prayed that night and cried.. Graduation will soon to come and I had no idea how will I faced everyone… Im not happy during graduation, I see to it that no one will recognize nor talked to me after that.. It was to be one of my happiest day, but whenever I feel the guilt,it occured that I can never say sorry to them in person, atleast here I can let this go.

Well, it was 3 years after that, I was really disappointed, even depressed you know, memories haunted me back. all those lies, all those stupid masks, all those pretensions, all those innocence, is all gone to me. Like I dont have any good in this world. 3 years of tears before I go to sleep, thinking if they have forgotten or forgiven me… I am useless you know, I want to say sorry. like I mean it, so I know I dontave a chance. Maybe its over, but not yet until Im gone maybe, it will still bothers me.. Im wrong about so many things in life, Im afraid to face it because Im still me, Im still fragile in my own way and I cant handle those because I can’t forgive myself for what troubles I made in life… I asked God and cried,…. cried….. cried…. so much and felt better, but it still wanders through my mind.. and everytime I see them, I see how selfish I am, how ignorant, heartless…. im not brave, so i guess this past enjoys on threatening me the whole time…

So I blew friends away,… ALWAYS… I am always alone, but I know that, God is good.. and whatever heartbreaks I have today… He will mend..

WOW talk about uniqueness, and ended up sharing nonsense life of mine. Ha maybe this blog is really, about what I feel. well, lessons learned is : Just be yourself.. because no matter what life may take you, you will always end up on who you really are. you may change while time flies, but who you really are is somewhere there…. in you

I want to stop thinking why everyone deserves to be happy, and Im not, Why they have what I want in life and I haven’t got a chance to experience it, and why I should think of the word: SPECIAL than always saying: YOU ARE BETTER. Life is unfair, as it is always be, but I know, because I feel it, that if it would be fair then, we don’t deserve things in our life now. We made a lot of sins everyday, do we desserve God to treat us this way? or some Gods in our own beliefs? i think….Everyone of us has its own gift, that one…. special gift intended for us… we just ignore it because we keep on looking for more, when infact ours is more than enough than other people suffering does…. We are still bless.. we will always be… and before it can take away from you… LEARN TO LOVE….. LOVE!

I learned of course, that.. you cannot simply live your present if you still don’t let go of your past.. yes, past experiences,be bad or good, still it was part of you, you cannot take it… but you can make it right, because you have the chance.. every day when you wake up, it is the thing we call “CHANCE” … nothing more nothing less… we cannot merely say that there is always a chance, because we don’t hold the future.. we only hold now is what and where we are right now,……. as in this time… and whats our purpose is … to do pur present.. to do what we need to do at this time.. because time, it is forever, but we? …… we are…………

 

 

 

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